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The Five Things People Tell Themselves When Facing Depression

With the recent deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, I


I should speak out about depression and my own struggles with it.

More than anything, I hope that if you're depressed, suicidal

or dealing with a family member who is suffering, you will find some

comfort in what I have to say. More importantly, that you will begin

to take action to heal yourself with the help you need.

I am a "reluctant expert" on the topic of depression, having

experienced scores of depressive episodes over a 30-year period of

my life. If you could see me when I am in my normal way of thinking -

which is most of the time - I'm a cheery, outgoing and joyful person,

loving and feeling gratitude for the people, humor and beauty in my

life. But when the dark cloud of depression descends, the sunshine

and light goes out of my life completely. Here are five of the things I

often tell myself during those times.

You might recognize some of them.

The real reason I'm depressed is my circumstances.

When I get my act together again and these problems

are behind me, I'll feel better.

Wrong! The first line of defense when you're in denial about your

depression is to blame it on something, someone, an event, a life

circumstance, or a life changing development...whatever seems

reasonable will do... anything that can move you away from the

dreaded thought - I have a mental problem (worse yet, a mental


That's not to say that painful life developments don't trigger

overwhelming sadness and depression. They do! But if you're really in

a clinical depression, these feelings of hopelessness don't change as

time goes by. You linger for weeks, if not months, feeling like you'll

never see the light of day again

or that the cloud will never lift.

We can so easily fall into denial when in the throes of a depression -

believing that a change in external things, a solving of our "real

world" problems will do the trick. And this can be so. But if your


thinking or funk lingers on:

Reach out for medical assistance

Go to therapy

Get on an anti-depressant

Reach out to a trusted family member or friend for support

(especially those who have gone through a depression themselves)

Find ways to relax and get out of your head to stop the constant


Pray for relief (if you are spiritually inclined)

Finding hope about one's future and a knowing that "this too shall

pass" is the Holy Grail for the depressive.

I refuse to be depressed. I am a strong person and

will be able to overcome this myself.

Depression has nothing to do with whether or not you are a strong

person! Overcoming a clinical depression on your own through shear

strength of will is highly unlikely, a dangerous strategy or, at the very


can take a very long period of time to accomplish.

This self-flaggelation that questions your mental strength will

absolutely get you nowhere. My suspicion is that the "I must be a

stronger person" fantasy is particularly prominent in Western culture

where we think it's a badge of honor and courage to be able to do

everything yourself.

Many loved ones, friends and family fuel this by assuming that the

depressive can control the illness themselves and should just "snap

out of it." This is like suggesting to someone diagnosed with brain

cancer to forget

about treatment and to work on curing the cancer themselves!

I am so mad at myself for screwing up. I can't seem

to do anything right. I'm incompetent, ashamed,

useless, stupid, guilty, helpless, wrong...

or otherwise not good enough.

Your sense of yourself and your ability to perceive yourself

realistically is totally distorted when you're in a depression.

Consequently, you may be overwhelmed with feelings of

worthlessness, desperation, hopelessness and inadequacy. You may

find that the simplest of tasks seem impossible to accomplish. You

may be operating on one-cylinder in comparison to your usual pace to

get a job done. Even those gifts that you have prided yourself on

having in the past (strong relationships, great friends, good sense of

humor, intelligence, wide interests, etc.) seem to all be a lie.

One of the keys to overcoming this is to put your self-disdain on hold

and review in your mind your positive qualities or times in your life

when you have been proud of yourself. Remind yourself that it is

highly unlikely that you have progressed from being a talented,

capable person into an

overnight loser and overall schlub.

I should be happy and normal, experiencing life the way

everyone around me does. I'm a total dud with a negative

viewpoint towards just about everything.

There is such widespread stigma surrounding depression and mental

illness that, not only do we feel it towards others suffering with the

disease, but we are likely to beat up on ourselves when we're feeling

down and assume we should be able to do something about it. The

social stigma keeps many from reaching out or asking for help,

despite the fact that symptoms may be getting worse or not abating.

Some of the most creative, successful, admired, and intelligent

people through history and today have grappled with this disease.

Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Virginia Wolff, Charles Dickens,

Graham Greene, John Keats, Henri Matisse, Michaelangelo, Mark


and Handel all had bouts of depression.

Of our celebrities today, here are a few who have suffered: John

Hamm, Alec Baldwin, Terry Bradshaw, Dick Cavett, Bob Dylan, John

Goodman, Dwayne Johnson, Angelina Jolie, Lady Gaga, Demi Lovato,

Uma Thurman, Frank Sinatra, James Taylor, and Robin Williams (of

course). The

list could go on and on.. It's all the same illness. It hits all sorts of


You're not alone.

I am a burden to my family and friends. They'd be better

off without me. I can't stand my life anymore.

I should just kill myself.

This is the ultimate destructive place where depression can take


Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. There are

500,000 attempted suicides every year, resulting in 45,000 deaths

(representing 123 per day.) This is more than those dying of

breast cancer annually!

90% of those who have committed suicide

have a diagnosable mental illness and the majority are not taking

antidepressants (or the wrong dosage) at the time they kill


And the problem in our society is getting worse...the increase in

suicides over the last ten years has jumped an incredible 24%!

Suicide is not the answer...crazy thinking is part of your illness and

suicide ideation is just another symptom that will pass. Thinking that

you are a burden to your family and friends and that they would be

better off without you is simply not true. Giving up on yourself should

not be an option.

I know about such crazy thinking myself because I experienced it

firsthand. Years ago, I was in a very serious depression. My self-

hatred and hopelessness reached such an extreme level that I started

plotting a way to end it all.

I decided to go to a local hotel and take every medicine I had and

then drink a quart of vodka. (Probably wouldn't have worked


Before heading on my mission, I packed my bag - how crazy is that? -

after killing myself I would hardly need a suitcase!

I had two active credit cards that I was using at the time, which I

would of course need to check in to the hotel. When I went to find

them, they were not in my wallet or anywhere else I looked. I was

sure I had at least one of them because I had just taken money out of

the ATM and put the card right back into my wallet. Neither one of

the cards ever showed up again.

I immediately snapped out of my plan and returned to sanity. I truly

believe I had a Divine intervention by "losing" these cards. I am

eternally grateful to God or my guardian angels that I am still alive and

living a happy life.

Suicide is never the solution. Your Higher Power or a helping hand

will bring you to your senses if you don't act when this mood comes

over you. If you are struggling with the suicide issue now,

I hope I can be one of these helping hands.

REMEMBER: You are a beautiful person, even if you can't see the

truth of this yourself now. You're probably a highly intelligent,

creative and sensitive type. The world needs you here...maybe to

help others who are suffering.

Relief is right around the corner...don't give up before it comes to


Share this with a friend by forwarding below.

Call me if you'd like to discuss your own depression at 202.557.8716.

Who is Kathleen Pasley?

Kathleen has a life that encompasses numerous

areas of endeavor: writing, fundraising, marketing

and spirituality.

Two things help define her: she has been on

a serious spiritual path for 35 years and has

known serious depressive episodes.

She is committed to speaking from the heart

on spiritual issues and sharing honestly

and openly about mental illness.

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