The Forgetting Muscle in Me is VERY Strong and I have an illness that wants me dead.
I don't know about you, but I feel very sad today.
Strange as it may sound, I feel a personal loss in the passing of Robin Williams...which I'm sure many of us do who adored him, loved him, admired his creative gifts, and who could just tell that he had a heart as big as Texas.
I too have suffered with the pain of deep depression but find that I too quickly forget what it feels like when I'm feeling well again. It's kind of like a back ache or tooth ache...very hard to remember the feeling when the pain has passed. And for a depressive, this can be a dangerous thing.
During one of my visits to my psychopharmacologist, in addition to the quote above about the cat and the lion, he also said to me that I must remember not to be in denial about my illness because it can be a fatal one.
The passing of Robin Williams is an all too horrible reminder of that reality.
The crazy thing is that when I'm chemically in balance, I am a cheery, optimistic and upbeat person, but when depressed all bets are off!
When I'm feeling good, I simply can't remember that I have also gone through periods of feeling miserable, hopeless, and that there is no way out.
Probably the way Robin Williams felt yesterday.
Some have been saying that Robin Williams had everything -- why would he ever take his own life? Those are people who don't understand depression, pure and simple.
I rarely talk about it, but I too have contemplated committing suicide. In fact, once, seven years ago I came within a hairs breath of actually doing the deed.
It was a week after I decided to stop drinking alcohol. Not only was I reeling from the idea of never having a drink again, I was in a serious depression, which thankfully had given me the impetus to decide that I needed to abstain from alcohol.
I was in such despair that I actually wrote a suicide note - a very self-indulgent one, I must say -- thinking all the while that it was selfish of me to end my life when it would be so devastating to so many people.
Despite this recognition, I took the next step and decided to go to a local Holiday Inn so that my friends and family wouldn't find me in my house. HELLO! How's that for insane thinking?
My ill-advised plan was to drink a bottle of vodka and take every pill I had. I started to pack a few things to leave - how about that for "Cuckoo Clock Crazy"? - I would really hardly need a change of clothes or my cleansing cream after what I intended to do!
So the story goes...I keep only one ATM card and one credit card. I went to pull them out of my wallet in anticipation of booking a room. Unbelievable as it may sound, I couldn't find either card, and to this day, they have never surfaced!
I immediately came to my senses and realized that I had been temporarily insane and that God did not want me dead.
I honestly believe this was an intervention by my Guardian Angel or God, clearly communicating to me that my plan was not a particularly wise one.
That was the final time I have thought of suicide and I hope it remains that way. As someone said:
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Like many of you have probably done today, I googled for some quotes from Robin Williams this morning. I loved them all, but thought these two were particularly hysterical:
"Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party."
"Do you think God gets stoned?
I think so ... look at the platypus."
A more poignant quote I found was:
"I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be."
I thank you Robin Williams for all the joy you brought into my life and the reminder of the tenuousness of this experience called life. Here's a little prayer that keeps coming into my mind:
Be good to me.
The sea is so wide and my boat is so small.
Rest in Peace, Robin Williams!